Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Of dragons and dreams

The big boys and I were sitting around, playing with a "magic wand", pretending to turn each other into things. N-man said, "I don't need a magic wand. I don't want to be anything but what I am. And I'm a dragon."

He said it with such confidence and matter-of-factness. He's totally happy to be himself, which today happens to be a dragon.

___________

This reminds me of the very first time I got on the internet (I mean the kind of internet kids today would find recognizable). It was 1995 or early 1996. That school year TK and I lived a thousand miles away from each other while he was in his first year of grad school and I was finishing up my senior year of college.

Let's be clear...I'd used the internet before that. Email was already a favored form of communication, and TK and I kept our phone bills down by chatting online. I'd browsed around text-based discussion groups, joining conversations on a whole slew of insane (and inane) topics. My roommate in college was actually one of the very early trolls, posting inflammatory comments and reveling in the attention it brought. And yes, in real life she was just like you'd expect from someone who trolls, though that's a story for a different day.

I'm talking about my first time browsing websites. It was a much different web back then. Many websites were cobbled together by techies and geeks with various degrees of proficiency. The results were often intentionally, or better yet unintentionally, hilarious. I went down to visit TK, and while he had class, I played around on his computer, taking advantage of the ethernet connection in his dorm room. In a very first glimpse of the time-suck the internet would become, I killed an hour and a half surfing the web.

One website I came across has stuck with me all this time. It was a loving tribute to dragons, put up by some guy who really, really liked dragons. The highlight of the page was a fairly long essay this person wrote about how awesome dragons are. The conclusion really sold it, though. I still remember it: "Do I want to be a dragon? Stupid question. Of course I do."

I love it. The way it completely misses the reason why it's a stupid question. Though to be honest, I suspect that if I ever met this guy, we'd get on great. And more and more often, I'm beginning to suspect this is how N-man is going to be. No, I don't mean a colossal dragon-loving nerd, but someone whose brain works a little off-kilter of everyone else's, but he remains blissfully unaware of it.

It's so amazing to watch the kids grow and develop their different personalities. B-man is also growing into an amazing little person, though in a completely different way. That'll have to be a topic for a different day if I ever hope to get this posted.

For now, though, I'm done feeding the baby and off to play with the big kids. For today, am I a dragon? Stupid question. Of course I am.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

The parenting book of superlatives

Forget an instruction manual, new parents should be given a book of superlatives to study up for when they have preschoolers!

Here's how my day goes:
Kiddo 1 or 2: "Mommy, what is the biggest animal?"
Me: "The Blue Whale".
Kiddo 1 or 2: "Mommy, what's the biggest animal that isn't in the ocean?"
Me: "An elephant"
Kiddo 1 or 2: "What about dinosaurs?"
Me: "Well, dinosaurs are extinct. There are none that live on Earth anymore. But the biggest dinosaur was the Argentinosaurus."
Kiddo 1 or 2: "Was it bigger than a blue whale?"
Me: "Nope! The blue whale is the biggest ever!"
Kiddo 1 or 2: "What's the biggest fish in the ocean?"
Me: "The Whale Shark"
Kiddo 1 or 2: "It eats tiny food!"
Me: "Yep!" [Don't think we haven't read a number of books about whale sharks!]
Kiddo 1 or 2: "What's the biggest bird?"
Me: "An Ostrich"
Kiddo 1 or 2: "No, no, I mean a bird that can *fly*!"
Me: "Google to the rescue!" [Appears to be some type of albatross, if we're not including extinct birds]

Seriously, I'm going to know the "biggest" of everything! And I'm sure soon they'll be asking "smallest", too. I think I need to bust out a nature section of a Guinness Book of World Records...

Monday, November 9, 2009

Unintentional Best New Insult

Today N-man waved his magic wand and said to TK, "I turned you into a pink monkey ball".

Now, N-man was definitely thinking of a bouncy ball, but I don't care. This is my newest insult...you're a pink monkey ball! It works as an expletive, too: Pink Monkey Balls!

I'm ridiculously easily amused.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Dratted Time Change!

N-man came into our bedroom at 5:30 this morning. He happily exclaimed, "It's MORNING!" I, who had just gotten into bed 15 minutes earlier after being up with Z-man for well over an hour replied grumpily, "No it's not. Go back to bed."

N-man went over to TK and said just as happily, "Daddy, It's MORNING. Mommy says it isn't but she's wrong. I see the sun."

Daylight savings time, I say, shaking my fist in the air.

Friday, October 30, 2009

Consumerism finally strikes

I don't know how we did it, but N-man and B-man have never been big into the "I want it"'s. Besides the occasional whine of "MOOOOOOOOM!!!! I want a LOLLIPOP!" they rarely get the gimmies.

If I knew how we did it, I'm sure I could patent it. But I'm pretty sure we just got lucky with two kids who just don't have a big yen for material possessions.

Until now.

We got one of those catalogs filled with crazy junk. As an aside, one of the worst things about moving is getting back on the mailing lists for every catalog in existence. And this catalog was extra annoying because you can only call during the day to cancel it. So, I left it open sitting on the kitchen table to call the next day during business hours.

On the facing page was apparently the most enticing product ever. Here is the conversation that ensued when B-man saw it:

B-man: Mom! Look! There's a piggy bank shaped like pants!

Me: Oh yeah.

B-man: With a BUM hanging out!

Me: Oh yeah.

B-man: That is SO funny. You put money in the BUM!

[By now N-man has come over, too, and I realize that I'm not getting out of this conversation about a crazy plastic piggy bank that looks like someone's butt]

Me: Isn't that silly? And do you know what it does when you put the money in?

B-man and N-man: What?

Me: It TOOTS! Look, it say here "Drop some loot and hear me toot"

B-man and N-man: [dissolve into gales of laughter, punctuated by occasional exclamations of "It TOOTS!"]

B-man, with much seriousness: Mom, we *HAVE* to get this.

____________

For the record, I'm not getting them a farting piggy bank. I'm pretty sure we already got all the possible amusement out of this. But how funny is it that one of the first times B-man asks for a toy, this is what he chooses? I suspect there will be many fart jokes in our future!

Thursday, October 22, 2009

An interview with N-man and B-man

I grabbed this from a friend on Facebook. It would have been fun if I'd asked the kids the questions separately, but we were all hanging out while I was feeding Z-man, so I asked them together. Here are their answers to a variety of questions about me!

1. What is something Mommy always says to you?
I love you (N-man) I can't think of anything (B-man)

2. What makes mommy happy?
Clean up (B-man) Not clean up! (N-man, with lots of giggles)

3. What makes mommy sad?
Not cleaning up (said in tandem!)

4. How does mommy make you laugh?
Saying silly words (B-man) Eating your thumb (??? N-man)

5. What was mommy like as a child?
I do NOT know! (B-man) My yellow blanket (N-man...he's talking about a blanket that was mine when I was little that is now his)

6. How old is mommy?
I do NOT know! (B-man) Me, either. You have to tell us (N-man) We still have to learn that (B-man). I'm 34 (Me) Wow, that's a lot (B-man). That's bigger than a giant (N-man)

7. How tall is mommy?
I do NOT know. We still have to learn that, Mommy! (B-man) 100 (N-man)

8. What is mommy's favorite thing to do?
Ooo! Play with us! (B-man) Getting hugs (N-man)

9. What does mommy do when you're not around?
Work and go to places (N-man) You are with Z-man (B-man)

10. If mommy becomes famous, what would it be for?
I don't know. (B-man) Kisses (N-man)

11. What is mommy really good at?
Playing Bejeweled Blitz (B-man) Feeding Baby Z-man (N-man)

12. What is mommy not very good at?
Reading books (N-man, with a laugh) You are good at that, mom! (B-man) Setting a movie up (N-man) Picking flowers (N-man...wow, who knew he had such a long list of things I can't do!) Raking the leaves (B-man) Daddy's MUCH better at raking the leaves! He doesn't have to stop to feed Z-man. (B-man)

13. What does mommy do for a job?
Go to a book club (B-man). Go to the library (N-man) (Wow...I'd love to get paid for either of those :)

14. What is mommy's favorite food?
A lot of stuff (B-man) Everything! (N-man) Not everything! Mommy doesn't like mustard! (B-man)

15. What makes you proud of mommy?
Because you make food, the stuff we like and that's good for us (B-man) When you do the stuff I want (N-man)

16. If mommy was a cartoon character, who would she be?
What's a cartoon character? (B-man) (I explained) I would not know. Would you? (B-man)

17. What do you and mommy do together?
Play games (B-man) Play (N-man)

18. How are you and your mommy the same?
You cook and I cook (N-man). I think N-man's talking about PLAY food! (B-man) Because we both like cuddling! (B-man)

19. How are you and your mommy different?
You cook and I DON'T cook (N-man). Well....because...you cook and I do not. (B-man)

20. How do you know your mommy loves you?
Because you say "I love you" (B-man). Because you do good stuff (N-man)

21. What does mommy like most about daddy?
I do NOT know. Why? (B-man) Me either (N-man)

22. Where is your mommy's favorite place to go?
Uhhhhhh....where ever her legs can go (B-man) Everywhere! (N-man)

Friday, October 16, 2009

Almost...

Big kids at school.
Little guy asleep.
A nice cup of coffee,
and a cookie.

And a big pile of bills to pay.

So close to perfection...
and yet so far away.