I just want to bang on these drums all day

We had a speaker come in to our most recent Mother of Twins club meeting to talk about reentering the workforce and work/life balance. She was a really good speaker, and very interesting, but I didn't get the answer to what I was really looking for. So maybe someone here will know.

I used to work in accounting, in a pretty high-stress position, responsible for financials and closes and supervising the accounting staff. It was a lot of hours, and the kind of job that was difficult to leave at the office.

When I do return to work, I'll probably return to accounting. My problem, aside from the obvious HUGE time gap in employment, is that I want to return to a much lower position. How do you make that sound okay? I mean, I obviously can't go in and tell the truth, that I want a job where I can work my 8 hours and leave and not get stressed if I have to miss a day because my kids are sick or I want to go on vacation. You know, a job I don't care too much about.

I'm not good at all that office politics crap.

This reminds me of my very first job interview. I was 14 years old, and Burger King was hiring. Because I was so young, I couldn't work at the counter, and certainly not on the grills. So I was interviewing to be the person who cleaned up tables and swept and emptied garbage. The guy interviewing me asked why I thought I'd be qualified for the position. I looked at him like he was crazy, and responded, "how could I *not* be qualified?"

I didn't get the job, you may be surprised to hear, sealing my fate of working as a carny through high school rather than a grill-jockey.

Which brings me back to my more current situation. I mean, obviously I'll stress the whole "think of all the experience I could bring to your company at a bargain price!" But if an interviewer ever asked, "but why would *you* want to accept a position below your previous experience", I'd be hard-pressed not to say something goofy.

Not a pressing issue. I'll probably stay home with the newest little guy until he's at least a year old. Just something I've been thinking about. And preemptively laughing at myself about. Because I know, no matter what, I'll make a fool of myself. I guess it's just as well, though, to get matched with a company that appreciates my insanity. I've not blogged much about my previous work experience, but my very best job ever was working at a company where I was, by far, the least zany person. It was a little slice of heaven to be surrounded by other misfits and oddballs all day. (Is anyone surprised to hear it was a dotcom I was working for? Awesomely insane!)

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It's over 90 degrees in Boston today. This weather can bite me. It's April, for goodness sake! I was still hoping for one last snow flurry to tide me over until next winter. I think I have the opposite of seasonal affective disorder. Too much sun and heat makes me depressed.

What should I do when I grow up?

So, at our last book group, we read The Alchemist, and we were all kind of making fun of the idea of a Personal Legend (dun dun dun). However, it did get me to thinking about what it is that I want to do with my life, career-wise.

I've been an accountant, and truthfully, it was a pretty good match for me. I was pretty good at it; I think there's something accountant-esque about the way my mind works. It was a relatively easy job for me, and it was also the perfect job for a perfectionist: things were either right or wrong for the most part. And for grayer areas where you had to make judgment calls, there were rules to guide you. Only an accountant can truly appreciate the joy of something netting to zero. Oh, beautiful zero, how you feed my inherent need for perfection!

But, the only problem was that I found it somewhat mindless and repetitive on a daily basis. And, it wasn't fulfilling, at least not the industries in which I worked.

So, I switched careers. I got my master's degree in Elementary Ed. It was exciting and rewarding teaching, but an absolutely terrible job for a perfectionist. First, the sheer number of decisions you make on a daily basis is daunting. It's one of the most decision-making heavy professions there is, or so one of my professor's said. I believe it. And every one of those decisions, you might make a mistake. Usually small, but for a perfectionist, it eats away. Second, my biggest problem is that you can't reach every kid every day. Some lessons are a hit with most kids, but there's always at least one kid who it doesn't click with. Maybe he's having a bad day at home, or is tired, or didn't understand some of the background material, or has a different learning style, or your lesson totally sucked. You just don't know. And this kills me. I always focus on what didn't go well, which is just insane when you're teaching and you know that at best, every child is still going to have an off day every once in a while.

But, I still liked teaching. I'd probably go back to it, except I was ridiculously sick the whole time I taught. My immune system is total crap. I kept hearing that eventually your body gets used to the non-stop bombardment of germs, but I don't know if that's true for me. I still might go back, but the constant feeling of failure combined with always being sick is a big deterrent. Add in the fact that elementary school teaching positions are in short supply, and it's just not looking that enticing.

So, my other thought is writing. I like to write. I do it quite often. Then I think, hmm, could I pick a career MORE inappropriate for a perfectionist? Nothing is ever perfect, especially not if I'm the author (I know, my grammar is atrocious. And you should see my spelling before the auto-correct! Sometimes it doesn't even know what word I'm trying to spell!) Could I pick a career with more rejection than a writer? Actually, the rejection doesn't really scare me that much. But still, I'm sure it'll just feed into the cycle...

Or I could go in an entirely different direction and pounce on something else. Sometimes I wonder about my need for "newness". Maybe I'm just always looking for a new challenge, when I should just find something and do it, even once the excitement of learning has worn off. Who knows. I'm a grown up now, shouldn't I know what I want my career to be?

Boring random musings. I'll stop now. I've still got a few months to figure it all out before my kids start preschool...

Random unrelated thought: Oh my gosh, I just have to tell you about American Idol! Did you see it??? I'm just kidding. I'm feeling a little left out as all my friends are blogging about American Idol regularly and I've just never gotten into it. So You Think You Can Dance is my reality TV of choice. It's really awesome, all you AI fans, and starts at the end of May, after AI is done for the season. So I hope you're all going to be watching so we can all blog together about it! Or so at least I'll know what y'all are talking about in your blogs!

Something silly to come next post, to take some of the sting out of a long serious post :)

My Alumni Update

My husband and I recently got our college alumni newsletter in the mail. Whenever we get them, I'm always tempted to send in an update and see if they publish it. I crack up at all the "so-and-so has just been promoted to the 2nd assistant to the assistant of the head assistant". Is it just me, or does it always seem like they are trying to play up how super great their lives are? Or, maybe their lives are super great and they just need the official recognition of it. Whichever, I've never understood the draw. Perhaps it's because I'm still in contact with all my friends from college, for the most part. Anyone I want to update on my life, I just send them an email and say "here's my update".

However, the temptation is there. I'd love to send in an update about how unsuccessful I am and see if it got published. I'd especially like to send it to the newsletter for the University Honors program I was in, since those newsletters are all about how phenomenally successful their graduates are. Hee, hee, I ruin their image with my lack of success!

It makes me laugh, and makes me a little sad, how much emphasis is placed on traditional success. I did well in school. I got my degree. Three of them, in fact. I had a well-paying job with a nice job title. Did that make me successful? Am I less successful in life now that I'm a stay at home mom?

Maybe it's because I took an odd path to stay-at-home-ness. I hadn't planned to stay home. In fact, I had planned a career change and schooling around being able to work after my child was born. Then we found out we were having twins. Then we looked at daycare costs, and compared it to what I'd make as a first year elementary school teacher. That was a funny day! The day I realized...oh my gosh, I'd make about $1 a day if I went back to work. Forget that, let me give this staying home with the kids thing a try.

I've been lucky that I had that choice. So many people don't. It's been odd and fun and tiring and difficult. And I've been lucky not to have second guessed my decision too much. Yes, I walked away from a career, but I'll have time for that later. Yes, I've probably assured that I will never be labeled as traditionally "successful". Oh well, you win some, you lose some.

I've been thinking of this more, since my boys will be starting preschool in the fall. I have to say it, I'm excited and a little apprehensive at the thought of reentering the working world. I have no idea what I'm going to do. Teaching is out as I'll only have 3 mornings a week. Maybe I'll return to accounting, or maybe I'll think of something entirely different. Or maybe I'll get off my butt and finish that novel. Who knows! But what's the rush, I still have a few months to work it all out.

Well, back to my original point. Here it is, my alumni update:

Ms. Whatacard has recently been promoted to the eliminations expert position at Card, Inc. She has changed a grand total of over 5,500 diapers and is now embarking on potty training adventures with her two and a half year old twins. She also holds advanced degrees in avoiding thrown food and wiping up spilled milk. She has memorized her 150th children's song and can sing all of them off-key. Ms. Whatacard's future goals include going to the bathroom without an audience and developing a superpower to stop tantrums mid-scream.

Random unrelated thought: How big is the Island of Sodor and why do they need such an elaborate rail system?